jeensgrrl (jeensgrrl) wrote,
jeensgrrl
jeensgrrl

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Ok now I'm really fucking confused...I don't know what to do and I don't want to sound pathetic...but I need advice. I trust you guys...lol...I've talked to most of you for awhile....anyhooo...
I had Noels birthday party today and I was in a great mood, as much as they get on my nerves sometimes my family really does brighten my day and they have been extremely supportive of me during all the crap I've been through over the past couple of weeks. After they left Walter came over to see Noel and bring her her present. I was soooooo pissed...livid actually. He came in the house with this awful attitude like I did something offensive to him...which as far as I know I didn't. In fact I've been pretty level headed and not so angry or sad. So we argued for a bit, I was really upset by this time and I needed a hug so I asked for one...even though I'm not much of a lovey dovey physical affectionate person I do NEED a hug from time to time, and not just from the kids. I got my hug but then something weird happened, Walter told me that he hasn't been happy where he is...this from a man who has been putting on a good act if this is how he really feels. He says he misses me and he still loves me, which I have to admit that i still love him too, but on the flip side I don't want to be treated like garbage ever again. You can't help who you love sometimes. He wants me to gather my thoughts and for me to let him know whether or not we should try to work it out and if he should move back in. I don't know what to think. I have been having a lot of fun by myself, I feel much more motivated and less depressed. I like the feeling that I can have who I want over here any time I want and just have a good time without worrying if hes going to like it or not. I like being by myself, but I do miss him in certain ways. I don't want to be a slave to him forever. If I decide to get back with him a lot of things will have to change and he will have to be willing to let them change, if not I can't do it. He can't lie to me either I mean he shouldn't hide his true feelings and or intentions from me and expect our relationship to work. Emotionally I can't afford to let him in and have him crush me and make me feel like shit...I just can't. i've been dealing with this crap way to long and i have been willing to deal with it for that long, bu now that i have a taste of life without him I feel like its better. I've also been cut off from a lot of my friends because of him...a lot of my friends are guys...i just tend to get along much better with men...but if I'm with him i would have to stop feeling like that and go back to before. Its not fair that hes making me make this decision either, he the one that left...didn't he already make the decision for me? I didn't have a say then and I'm almost certain that i won't have a say in the future. I just don't know what to do...should I stay with the familiar or branch out on my own. Either way i don't know how happy I'll be...i can't judge my future on how everything has been for the past wek and a half. I just don't know what to do anymore I'm confused and hurt and it feels like shit worse than him leaving. I just want this to be finalized but I guess I have to "gather" my thoughts. I guess i also can't have someone else make the decision for me, I'm a grown up and I have to do the right thing. i just don't know what the right thing would be...its all a grey area in which I might not like it either way. I just don't want to be down and all depressed and stressed out about it. My thoughts aren't even all back right now anyway. I haven't been myself lately anyway. I keep forgetting things and I'm absent minded and clumsy...i mean WTF...why is that? Ok I'll stop with all of this and you can give me your opinions...I need opinions...I need help in deciding what to do. Eventually I will have to make the decision for myself, I just don't know.
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